OOO the "P" word. Patience. I really do not like this word. Although during the past 3 1/2 years, I have had a close relationship with this word. I has seemed that everytime I have wanted something, I have had to wait...be patient. It wasn't the right time yet. sigh... But everything has worked out. Maybe not exactly the way I wanted it to. The divorce took much longer than I thought it would, I had to pay more money to my ex than I thought I would, I don't have my kids as much as I think I should...etc..etc...
Everything happened this way for a reason. I wasn't ready to be on my own right away (didn't have a job), I had to split my stock account with my ex (this happened at a low point in the market) and now I have more than made up for it, I have my kids only 50% of the time (God must have known they were teenagers). etc..etc..
And now I am growing plants. Some I bought already blooming in pots. Can you say instant gratification? lol Others I bought as small tiny plants waiting to be nurtured and some of my plants started out as seeds. A couple of months have passed and I am seeing some progress. I have eaten a couple of strawberries, I noticed my tomato plants have grown 2 inches and my lavender now has 2 buds that are barely blooming. Things are happening slowly. Not all my pots have made progress. The catnip is being stubborn. But growth is slow. Requiring me to have patience and to do the things I need to do to keep them all growing. Watering, feeding, sunlight and yes sometimes talking to them.
And it's funny, these are some of the things I need to do for myself so I can keep growing and learning.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I Found My Spot
I spent part of this evening sitting on my deck with a glass of wine. The potted flowers are so pretty and they smell great. My lavender is starting to bloom as well as the strawberries. Even my tomato plants are getting bigger. I let Bob the cat out with me because I wanted to see how he would do. He started out in my lap but soon got down. He immediately focused on the cat statue I have in the corner. The statue is 2x the size of Bob. Bob puffed up and inched closer and closer. Pretty soon he realized that this cat was no threat and turned his interests to the plants on the deck. But he stayed all fluffy for a long time-just in case. lol
I sat for about 45 minutes just watching the birds and listening to the the sounds of the evening. A female hummingbird stopped by to get a drink. She flew away so fast that I couldn't follow. I sat and waited for the male to show up but he didn't. They are pretty birds and their flight is so elegant. I love watching the hummer battles for the feeders during migration. They are so protective of their territory.
My deck is becoming my place for contemplation and serenity. At least while the weather holds out. When it gets too hot the A/C will be my serenity spot. I am glad its there. I need a spot I can escape to.
I sat for about 45 minutes just watching the birds and listening to the the sounds of the evening. A female hummingbird stopped by to get a drink. She flew away so fast that I couldn't follow. I sat and waited for the male to show up but he didn't. They are pretty birds and their flight is so elegant. I love watching the hummer battles for the feeders during migration. They are so protective of their territory.
My deck is becoming my place for contemplation and serenity. At least while the weather holds out. When it gets too hot the A/C will be my serenity spot. I am glad its there. I need a spot I can escape to.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Clearing out Karma
I just finished a meditation this evening. And I made a startling discovery. I have actually worked through some issues. I visited my hometown last week and walked through the past. Reliving a lot of memories. Some good, some not so good. One thing I discovered is that I am not living back there. I am happy here in the present. I really have no desire to revisit or change where I came from. It is done. I am no longer the person that lived there.
I also think I have made peace in my relationship with my mother and thus my relationship with my stepfather. When I was younger I watched their relationship and was under the assumption that is how marriages were conducted. I tried my best to behave the same way as my mother did. But it didn't work for me. The gifts I gave were taken advantage of. I lost myself in my marriage. It wasn't about us. It became about him. And in the end I realized it was wrong, I couldn't do it anymore. Was I not as strong as my mother is? No. I don't need to be. I am not her. I am me.
Years ago my mother told me she made decisions about how she was going to live her life. And that she realized she would have to endure the consequences of those decisions. At the time I didn't know what she really meant. But having gone through Al-anon and working the 12 steps, I understand now that she put herself first. Something I now do for myself. After all if I am not healthy, the people around me won't be either.
The hurt feelings I have felt in the past about my mother's actions and decisions are now gone. I handled a situation last week that could have been extremely hurtful. It did ache a little, but knowing that my mother is well loved and taken care of made it easier for me to take. She has been married to my step-father for 33 years. Both are in their 70's and neither one of them are going to change. Why should they? They are happy and that is all that matters. I am happy too. I have shed my resentments, they don't matter any more. My mom loves me and I love her. That was demonstrated this last week. It is what it is...and it ain't so bad.
And Mom....if you read this....I truly do...
I also think I have made peace in my relationship with my mother and thus my relationship with my stepfather. When I was younger I watched their relationship and was under the assumption that is how marriages were conducted. I tried my best to behave the same way as my mother did. But it didn't work for me. The gifts I gave were taken advantage of. I lost myself in my marriage. It wasn't about us. It became about him. And in the end I realized it was wrong, I couldn't do it anymore. Was I not as strong as my mother is? No. I don't need to be. I am not her. I am me.
Years ago my mother told me she made decisions about how she was going to live her life. And that she realized she would have to endure the consequences of those decisions. At the time I didn't know what she really meant. But having gone through Al-anon and working the 12 steps, I understand now that she put herself first. Something I now do for myself. After all if I am not healthy, the people around me won't be either.
The hurt feelings I have felt in the past about my mother's actions and decisions are now gone. I handled a situation last week that could have been extremely hurtful. It did ache a little, but knowing that my mother is well loved and taken care of made it easier for me to take. She has been married to my step-father for 33 years. Both are in their 70's and neither one of them are going to change. Why should they? They are happy and that is all that matters. I am happy too. I have shed my resentments, they don't matter any more. My mom loves me and I love her. That was demonstrated this last week. It is what it is...and it ain't so bad.
And Mom....if you read this....I truly do...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A Visit Home
It has been at least 14 years since I visited my hometown in the mid-west. I am an Iowa girl. I spent most of my growing up days there. But I realized that most of my life has been spent moving around the south. Going from one town/city to another. All due to my ex-husbands career moves. Some were good moves, others were not. And during this time kids were being born and raised and there just seemed no time to go home.
Unfortunately a death in the family is what drew me back to Iowa. My brother-in-law died of liver cancer and the whole family converged to support my sister. I hate that death is what drew us all back there but you know what they say about weddings and funerals... It was truly good to see everyone. We all had a lot to talk about. Getting to know each other again. Learning new things about each other and realizing that some things just don't change. And having to accept that all over again.
My youngest sister and I ended up sharing a hotel room together. Which as it turned out was a good decision on our part. Although it didn't start out that way. Another lesson learned...trust your instincts, first thought is usually the right one. Make yourself comfortable and happy before you try to do the same for someone else. B and I spent the whole week talking and getting to know each other again. I don't think we have ever spent so much time together all at one time. We made great use of it. We talked about our pasts, presents and future. We gossiped about other family members. Shared our joys and disappointments. And I think we have resolved to maintain the closeness and openness we shared with each other.
B and I worked together in trying to be helpful to our sister P. We helped out when asked, tried to anticipate needs and gave her space when she asked for it. (or at least we tried to) As with any family there was some drama going on that didn't have anything to do with the death of my bro-in-law. My niece is having her own problems. She is a young mother with 2 children under the age of 3, no job, no home, no support from the children's father. And as with any family the advice was flowing. I did my share of offering advice - kind of regret that now. But in my opinion I felt that her problems were distracting my sister from focusing on what she needed to deal with. But again that is not for me to say. I am allowed my opinion but it's not my business. The fixer in me wanted to help out, but she is an adult with responsibilities and she needs to figure it out herself, otherwise she won't learn that she can help herself and her children. I pray that she can move forward instead of becoming stagnant. And hopefully she will learn to trust other people as they share their own experiences of how they dealt with hardships in their own lives.
The three of us girls were able to spend quality time with each other and each of our parents. I got to see the things that I loved about each of them and the things that still irritated me about each. But I have learned in the last few years that everyone is unique and to love some one means to love their flaws too. And in my family we have a ton of flaws..lol.
The memorial service was really nice. My brother-in-law was well loved by his family and his friends. Neighbors, friends and co-workers showed up to give my sister their love and support. She was overwhelmed by it all. My sister is a strong lady and she showed a lot of poise and grace through this trying time. I hope that when she needs a hand she is strong enough to ask for help. She has a lot of family and friends willing to do what they can.
The week I spent in Iowa was spent driving all over the city looking at old neighborhoods, schools, friends houses, parks etc. I marveled at what had changed and what had seemingly stayed the same. The city has a character that I had forgotten. I was asked numerous times if I wanted to move back. The southerner in me shudders at the thought of snow and winter. But the person who likes living in a place where everyone is friendly and OMG the city is up with the times (not how I remembered it at all) is charmed by it all.
While it is tempting to wonder what it would be like to move back "home", my home is here. My kids are here, my friends, my job, my house and of course my kitty cats. I am not going anywhere for awhile. I am working on establishing a life here. This is home for me.
Unfortunately a death in the family is what drew me back to Iowa. My brother-in-law died of liver cancer and the whole family converged to support my sister. I hate that death is what drew us all back there but you know what they say about weddings and funerals... It was truly good to see everyone. We all had a lot to talk about. Getting to know each other again. Learning new things about each other and realizing that some things just don't change. And having to accept that all over again.
My youngest sister and I ended up sharing a hotel room together. Which as it turned out was a good decision on our part. Although it didn't start out that way. Another lesson learned...trust your instincts, first thought is usually the right one. Make yourself comfortable and happy before you try to do the same for someone else. B and I spent the whole week talking and getting to know each other again. I don't think we have ever spent so much time together all at one time. We made great use of it. We talked about our pasts, presents and future. We gossiped about other family members. Shared our joys and disappointments. And I think we have resolved to maintain the closeness and openness we shared with each other.
B and I worked together in trying to be helpful to our sister P. We helped out when asked, tried to anticipate needs and gave her space when she asked for it. (or at least we tried to) As with any family there was some drama going on that didn't have anything to do with the death of my bro-in-law. My niece is having her own problems. She is a young mother with 2 children under the age of 3, no job, no home, no support from the children's father. And as with any family the advice was flowing. I did my share of offering advice - kind of regret that now. But in my opinion I felt that her problems were distracting my sister from focusing on what she needed to deal with. But again that is not for me to say. I am allowed my opinion but it's not my business. The fixer in me wanted to help out, but she is an adult with responsibilities and she needs to figure it out herself, otherwise she won't learn that she can help herself and her children. I pray that she can move forward instead of becoming stagnant. And hopefully she will learn to trust other people as they share their own experiences of how they dealt with hardships in their own lives.
The three of us girls were able to spend quality time with each other and each of our parents. I got to see the things that I loved about each of them and the things that still irritated me about each. But I have learned in the last few years that everyone is unique and to love some one means to love their flaws too. And in my family we have a ton of flaws..lol.
The memorial service was really nice. My brother-in-law was well loved by his family and his friends. Neighbors, friends and co-workers showed up to give my sister their love and support. She was overwhelmed by it all. My sister is a strong lady and she showed a lot of poise and grace through this trying time. I hope that when she needs a hand she is strong enough to ask for help. She has a lot of family and friends willing to do what they can.
The week I spent in Iowa was spent driving all over the city looking at old neighborhoods, schools, friends houses, parks etc. I marveled at what had changed and what had seemingly stayed the same. The city has a character that I had forgotten. I was asked numerous times if I wanted to move back. The southerner in me shudders at the thought of snow and winter. But the person who likes living in a place where everyone is friendly and OMG the city is up with the times (not how I remembered it at all) is charmed by it all.
While it is tempting to wonder what it would be like to move back "home", my home is here. My kids are here, my friends, my job, my house and of course my kitty cats. I am not going anywhere for awhile. I am working on establishing a life here. This is home for me.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
I'm Done Hiding
I received a horrible phone call today from my sister. She was crying and informed me that she was at the hospital with her husband. He is in kidney failure. It seems he has been battling liver cancer for awhile. This was the first I had heard of it. They only recently started telling people. They didn't want to worry anyone. Sigh... My God... The secrets we keep so as not to worry anyone.. I know they have their reasons for keeping it close. I respect that. Their decision and all.
But lets stop and think about that. Why does my family not share the bad news? Why are we so disfunctional? As soon as I got off the phone with my sister, I called my other sister to relay the bad news ( I had permission). She was as shocked as I was. We both commented that our family is great at hiding secrets. We keep them forever. Or until it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I still don't know if my sisters know that our grandmother gave birth to our mother when she was 14. It was a huge secret in my family. One my mother shared with me when I was a teen. I never let on to my grandmother that I knew. My mother always said that she would be horribly embarrassed if she found out that anyone knew about it. Shakes head. I guess it would be to that generation. I actually thought at the time that it was neat. Here she was a teen mother and managed to stay married and love my grandfather for 50+ years.
During our conversation my sis said that she had read this blog and realized that she did not even know me. We were sisters and didn't know each other. Granted we have lived in opposite corners of the U.S. for most of our lives. But neither of us have made the effort to get to know each other except in a superficial way. It is sad, in my opinion. I know we love each other and care what happens to each other. We show that when a crisis develops. We rally together and give support. But why only then? Why are we not part of each others lives?
When my sis made the comment that she thought I was becoming a 21st century woman by blogging, I just laughed. I have been blogging for over 3 years now but I have never told my family. My blogs tell the story of my journey through al-anon and my divorce. I realized that I have kept that a secret too. I kept all the problems in my marriage, the drinking, drugs, porn and abuse a secret. But I kept my recovery a secret too. Shakes head...All the tools that I have used in getting better were kept from my family. The book, blogs, workbook, counseling, al-anon, meditation-all a secret. Would I have gotten better faster if they had known about my struggles? I don't know and it really doesn't matter now because it is the past. Yes the past. I shared with my sister about all these things. I gave her the website to my blogs and the books so she could find out for herself if she wants.
I am tired of hiding secrets. I want a relationship with my family. I want to be close to my sisters. To be able to pick up the phone without thought and just shoot the breeze at any time. Why does there have to be a reason to call? And a horrible reason at that. Are my expectations out of whack? I think once my family has gotten through this current crisis I am going to TRY to be more open with them. Let them know what is going on in my life. And hopefully they will return the favor.
But lets stop and think about that. Why does my family not share the bad news? Why are we so disfunctional? As soon as I got off the phone with my sister, I called my other sister to relay the bad news ( I had permission). She was as shocked as I was. We both commented that our family is great at hiding secrets. We keep them forever. Or until it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I still don't know if my sisters know that our grandmother gave birth to our mother when she was 14. It was a huge secret in my family. One my mother shared with me when I was a teen. I never let on to my grandmother that I knew. My mother always said that she would be horribly embarrassed if she found out that anyone knew about it. Shakes head. I guess it would be to that generation. I actually thought at the time that it was neat. Here she was a teen mother and managed to stay married and love my grandfather for 50+ years.
During our conversation my sis said that she had read this blog and realized that she did not even know me. We were sisters and didn't know each other. Granted we have lived in opposite corners of the U.S. for most of our lives. But neither of us have made the effort to get to know each other except in a superficial way. It is sad, in my opinion. I know we love each other and care what happens to each other. We show that when a crisis develops. We rally together and give support. But why only then? Why are we not part of each others lives?
When my sis made the comment that she thought I was becoming a 21st century woman by blogging, I just laughed. I have been blogging for over 3 years now but I have never told my family. My blogs tell the story of my journey through al-anon and my divorce. I realized that I have kept that a secret too. I kept all the problems in my marriage, the drinking, drugs, porn and abuse a secret. But I kept my recovery a secret too. Shakes head...All the tools that I have used in getting better were kept from my family. The book, blogs, workbook, counseling, al-anon, meditation-all a secret. Would I have gotten better faster if they had known about my struggles? I don't know and it really doesn't matter now because it is the past. Yes the past. I shared with my sister about all these things. I gave her the website to my blogs and the books so she could find out for herself if she wants.
I am tired of hiding secrets. I want a relationship with my family. I want to be close to my sisters. To be able to pick up the phone without thought and just shoot the breeze at any time. Why does there have to be a reason to call? And a horrible reason at that. Are my expectations out of whack? I think once my family has gotten through this current crisis I am going to TRY to be more open with them. Let them know what is going on in my life. And hopefully they will return the favor.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Anxiety Attack...Really?
All I can say is anxiety attacks suck. I really had thought I was over them. But this morning one came on without warning. My head filled up with gunk, my ears started ringing, my hands shaking and it was hard to breathe. I knew exactly what it was and all I could think of was "Why?"
Ok so I was going to a party today. Lots of unknown people. Small talk. My son was going with me and I was worried if he was going to have a good time. I really don't do well in large groups. I feel lost. I get inside my head and stay there.
I did the next right thing. I talked to a friend how I was feeling. Asked her to just be there with me while I told her what was happening. Just breathe with me. It helps. I cried. Released emotion. I breathed. I calmed down. I laid down and meditated til it was time to go. I did what I had to do get through it. Pretty soon I was strong enough to go.
Smile, nod, breathe and laugh at the little kids. Good food, cold weather, brisk wind with the sun peeking every once in awhile. Watching son interact with others, recognizing that he is as uncomfortable as I am but like me willing to take a risk and get out there. Hoping it will get better as time goes on.
Now I am home, safe but exhausted. The tension and anxiety is slowly seeping out. My emotions are still unstable..so don't look at me wrong. ( lol) It was a good day because I had human contact, it was a hard day because I had human contact. Hopefully the emotional hangover will subside quickly.
Ok so I was going to a party today. Lots of unknown people. Small talk. My son was going with me and I was worried if he was going to have a good time. I really don't do well in large groups. I feel lost. I get inside my head and stay there.
I did the next right thing. I talked to a friend how I was feeling. Asked her to just be there with me while I told her what was happening. Just breathe with me. It helps. I cried. Released emotion. I breathed. I calmed down. I laid down and meditated til it was time to go. I did what I had to do get through it. Pretty soon I was strong enough to go.
Smile, nod, breathe and laugh at the little kids. Good food, cold weather, brisk wind with the sun peeking every once in awhile. Watching son interact with others, recognizing that he is as uncomfortable as I am but like me willing to take a risk and get out there. Hoping it will get better as time goes on.
Now I am home, safe but exhausted. The tension and anxiety is slowly seeping out. My emotions are still unstable..so don't look at me wrong. ( lol) It was a good day because I had human contact, it was a hard day because I had human contact. Hopefully the emotional hangover will subside quickly.
Monday, April 11, 2011
BumbleBees
One of the bonuses about having a spiritual awakening is that I notice things now that I never did before. Especially in nature. We had a hot spring weekend and it was a lot more pleasant on my deck than in the house. Sitting there with a tall glass of ice tea, I noticed a bumblebee hovering. I have a lot of flowers on my deck and there are trees nearby that are blooming. There have been quite a few bees and butterflies hanging around lately. But this one bumblebee was hanging around a set of 3 flower baskets that I have hanging. Every so often he would zoom away but quickly return. I wasn't sure at first if it was the same bee or not. After watching intently, I discovered that he had decided that these pots of flowers were his and he was standing/flying guard duty over them. Anytime another bee,butterfly or other pollen seeking insect came close to His flowers, he escorted them away. I did not realize that bees were so territorial. It was quite fascinating to watch.
I had seen him a few days before, really didn't think much of it. It wasn't until I noticed him being in the same spot that I really paid attention. Now I don't know for sure if this is the same bee or not, but I sure would like to think so. He is very attentive and seems to be good at his job. I sure hope he sticks around for awhile. I like to think I am doing my part in helping to get the flowers pollinated.
These days I notice the bumblebees. I am so much more aware of the things around me than I used to be. I am getting great pleasure out of nature this spring. Probably because it was so long in coming. So if you see me wide eyed and looking around that is just me waking up to all that is out there.
I had seen him a few days before, really didn't think much of it. It wasn't until I noticed him being in the same spot that I really paid attention. Now I don't know for sure if this is the same bee or not, but I sure would like to think so. He is very attentive and seems to be good at his job. I sure hope he sticks around for awhile. I like to think I am doing my part in helping to get the flowers pollinated.
These days I notice the bumblebees. I am so much more aware of the things around me than I used to be. I am getting great pleasure out of nature this spring. Probably because it was so long in coming. So if you see me wide eyed and looking around that is just me waking up to all that is out there.
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