I'm Done Hiding

I received a horrible phone call today from my sister.  She was crying and informed me that she was at the hospital with her husband.  He is in kidney failure.  It seems he has been battling liver cancer for awhile.  This was the first I had heard of it.  They only recently started telling people.  They didn't want to worry anyone.  Sigh...  My God... The secrets we keep so as not to worry anyone..  I know they have their reasons for keeping it close.  I respect that.  Their decision and all.

But lets stop and think about that.  Why does my family not share the bad news?  Why are we so disfunctional?  As soon as I got off the phone with my sister, I called my other sister to relay the bad news ( I had permission).  She was as shocked as I was.  We both commented that our family is great at hiding secrets.  We keep them forever. Or until it doesn't seem to matter anymore.  I still don't know if my sisters know that our grandmother gave birth to our mother when she was 14.  It was a huge secret in my family.  One my mother shared with me when I was a teen.  I never let on to my grandmother that I knew.  My mother always said that she would be horribly embarrassed if she found out that anyone knew about it.  Shakes head.  I guess it would be to that generation.  I actually thought at the time that it was neat.  Here she was a teen mother and managed to stay married and love my grandfather for 50+ years.

During our conversation my sis said that she had read this blog and realized that she did not even know me.  We were sisters and didn't know each other.  Granted we have lived in opposite corners of the U.S. for most of our lives.  But neither of us have made the effort to get to know each other except in a superficial way.  It is sad, in my opinion.  I know we love each other and care what happens to each other.  We show that when a crisis develops. We rally together and give support.  But why only then?  Why are we not part of each others lives?

When my sis made the comment that she thought I was becoming a 21st century woman by blogging, I just laughed.  I have been blogging for over 3 years now but I have never told my family.  My blogs tell the story of my journey through al-anon and my divorce.  I realized that I have kept that a secret too. I kept all the problems in my marriage, the drinking, drugs, porn and abuse a secret.  But I kept my recovery a secret too.  Shakes head...All the tools that I have used in getting better were kept from my family.  The book, blogs, workbook, counseling, al-anon, meditation-all a secret.  Would I have gotten better faster if they had known about my struggles?  I don't know and it really doesn't matter now because it is the past.  Yes the past.   I shared with my sister about all these things.  I gave her the website to my blogs and the books so she could find out for herself if she wants.

I am tired of hiding secrets.  I want a relationship with my family.  I want to be close to my sisters.  To be able to pick up the phone without thought and just shoot the breeze at any time.  Why does there have to be a reason to call?  And a horrible reason at that.  Are my expectations out of whack?  I think once my family has gotten through this current crisis I am going to TRY to be more open with them.  Let them know what is going on in my life.  And hopefully they will return the favor.