A Visit Home

It has been at least 14 years since I visited my hometown in the mid-west.  I am an Iowa girl.  I spent most of my growing up days there.  But I realized that most of my life has been spent moving around the south.  Going from one town/city to another.  All due to my ex-husbands career moves. Some were good moves, others were not. And during this time kids were being born and raised and there just seemed no time to go home.

Unfortunately a death in the family is what drew me back to Iowa.  My brother-in-law died of liver cancer and the whole family converged to support my sister.  I hate that death is what drew us all back there but you know what they say about weddings and funerals... It was truly good to see everyone.  We all had a lot to talk about.  Getting to know each other again.  Learning new things about each other and realizing that some things just don't change.  And having to accept that all over again. 

My youngest sister and I ended up sharing a hotel room together. Which as it turned out was a good decision on our part.  Although it didn't start out that way.  Another lesson learned...trust your instincts, first thought is usually the right one.  Make yourself comfortable and happy before you try to do the same for someone else.  B and I spent the whole week talking and getting to know each other again.  I don't think we have ever spent so much time together all at one time.  We made great use of it.  We talked about our pasts, presents and future.  We gossiped about other family members.  Shared our joys and disappointments.  And I think we have resolved to maintain the closeness and openness we shared with each other.

B and I worked together in trying to be helpful to our sister P.  We helped out when asked, tried to anticipate needs and gave her space when she asked for it. (or at least we tried to)  As with any family there was some drama going on that didn't have anything to do with the death of my bro-in-law.  My niece is having her own problems.  She is a young mother with 2 children under the age of 3, no job, no home, no support from the children's father.  And as with any family the advice was flowing.  I did my share of offering advice - kind of regret that now. But in my opinion I felt that her problems were distracting my sister from focusing on what she needed to deal with.  But again that is not for me to say. I am allowed my opinion but it's not my business.  The fixer in me wanted to help out, but she is an adult with responsibilities and she needs to figure it out herself, otherwise she won't learn that she can help herself and her children.  I pray that she can move forward instead of becoming stagnant. And hopefully she will learn to trust other people as they share their own experiences of how they dealt with hardships in their own lives.

The three of us girls were able to spend quality time with each other and each of our parents.  I got to see the things that I loved about each of them and the things that still irritated me about each.  But I have learned in the last few years that everyone is unique and to love some one means to love their flaws too.  And in my family we have a ton of flaws..lol.


The memorial service was really nice.  My brother-in-law was well loved by his family and his friends.  Neighbors, friends and co-workers showed up to give my sister their love and support.  She was overwhelmed by it all.  My sister is a strong lady and she showed a lot of poise and grace through this trying time.  I hope that when she needs a hand she is strong enough to ask for help.  She has a lot of family and friends willing to do what they can.   

The week I spent in Iowa was spent driving all over the city looking at old neighborhoods, schools, friends houses, parks etc.  I marveled at what had changed and what had seemingly stayed the same.  The city has a character that I had forgotten.  I was asked numerous times if I wanted to move back.  The southerner in me shudders at the thought of snow and winter.  But the person who likes living in a place where everyone is friendly and OMG the city is up with the times (not how I remembered it at all) is charmed by it all.

While it is tempting to wonder what it would be like to move back "home", my home is here.  My kids are here, my friends, my job, my house and of course my kitty cats.  I am not going anywhere for awhile.  I am working on establishing a life here.  This is home for me.

I'm Done Hiding

I received a horrible phone call today from my sister.  She was crying and informed me that she was at the hospital with her husband.  He is in kidney failure.  It seems he has been battling liver cancer for awhile.  This was the first I had heard of it.  They only recently started telling people.  They didn't want to worry anyone.  Sigh...  My God... The secrets we keep so as not to worry anyone..  I know they have their reasons for keeping it close.  I respect that.  Their decision and all.

But lets stop and think about that.  Why does my family not share the bad news?  Why are we so disfunctional?  As soon as I got off the phone with my sister, I called my other sister to relay the bad news ( I had permission).  She was as shocked as I was.  We both commented that our family is great at hiding secrets.  We keep them forever. Or until it doesn't seem to matter anymore.  I still don't know if my sisters know that our grandmother gave birth to our mother when she was 14.  It was a huge secret in my family.  One my mother shared with me when I was a teen.  I never let on to my grandmother that I knew.  My mother always said that she would be horribly embarrassed if she found out that anyone knew about it.  Shakes head.  I guess it would be to that generation.  I actually thought at the time that it was neat.  Here she was a teen mother and managed to stay married and love my grandfather for 50+ years.

During our conversation my sis said that she had read this blog and realized that she did not even know me.  We were sisters and didn't know each other.  Granted we have lived in opposite corners of the U.S. for most of our lives.  But neither of us have made the effort to get to know each other except in a superficial way.  It is sad, in my opinion.  I know we love each other and care what happens to each other.  We show that when a crisis develops. We rally together and give support.  But why only then?  Why are we not part of each others lives?

When my sis made the comment that she thought I was becoming a 21st century woman by blogging, I just laughed.  I have been blogging for over 3 years now but I have never told my family.  My blogs tell the story of my journey through al-anon and my divorce.  I realized that I have kept that a secret too. I kept all the problems in my marriage, the drinking, drugs, porn and abuse a secret.  But I kept my recovery a secret too.  Shakes head...All the tools that I have used in getting better were kept from my family.  The book, blogs, workbook, counseling, al-anon, meditation-all a secret.  Would I have gotten better faster if they had known about my struggles?  I don't know and it really doesn't matter now because it is the past.  Yes the past.   I shared with my sister about all these things.  I gave her the website to my blogs and the books so she could find out for herself if she wants.

I am tired of hiding secrets.  I want a relationship with my family.  I want to be close to my sisters.  To be able to pick up the phone without thought and just shoot the breeze at any time.  Why does there have to be a reason to call?  And a horrible reason at that.  Are my expectations out of whack?  I think once my family has gotten through this current crisis I am going to TRY to be more open with them.  Let them know what is going on in my life.  And hopefully they will return the favor.