Serenity NOW....

  Yes, I want it NOW and I want it ALL the time. That peaceful feeling that all is right with me and my world.  I have moments of serenity.  I have weeks and sometimes even a month where all is good.  But inevitably it comes crashing down.  Doubts, stress, anxiety and depression.  Life...  Fortunately these days I have more good than bad.  I can take joy in the small things.  Like watching the birds discover my feeders.  Laughing at the cats as they rampage through the house.  Take pride in the fact that I went to the fair by myself.  I didn't enjoy it as much this year but I got out of the house and went anyway.  I am glad I am Awake.  Life is much more interesting these days.  I pay attention more to the things and the people around me. I am a better employee. A better mother? Not so sure about that..still having guilt that I am not there all the time for my kids and that I enjoy(a lot of the time) my time away from them. My dreams are more vivid and my meditations are filled with more energy.  But there are those times that I feel me collapsing and isolating.  This is when I heal, question, lean on, grow....  Not fun but necessary.  Forging ahead..it's what I do best.

Clearing out Karma

I just finished a meditation this evening.  And I made a startling discovery.  I have actually worked through some issues. I visited my hometown last week and walked through the past.  Reliving a lot of memories.  Some good, some not so good. One thing I discovered is that I am not living back there.  I am happy here in the present.  I really have no desire to revisit or change where I came from.  It is done.  I am no longer the person that lived there.

I also think I have made peace in my relationship with my mother and thus my relationship with my stepfather.  When I was younger I watched their relationship and was under the assumption that is how marriages were conducted.  I tried my best to behave the same way as my mother did.  But it didn't work for me. The gifts I gave were taken advantage of.  I lost myself in my marriage.  It wasn't about us.  It became about him.  And in the end I realized it was wrong, I couldn't do it anymore.  Was I not as strong as my mother is?  No.  I don't need to be.  I am not her.  I am me.

Years ago my mother told me she made decisions about how she was going to live her life.  And that she realized she would have to endure the consequences of those decisions.  At the time I didn't know what she really meant.  But having gone through Al-anon and working the 12 steps, I understand now that she put herself first.  Something I now do for myself.  After all if I am not healthy, the people around me won't be either.

The hurt feelings I have felt in the past about my mother's actions and decisions are now gone.  I handled a situation last week that could have been extremely hurtful.  It did ache a little, but knowing that my mother is well loved and taken care of made it easier for me to take.  She has been married to my step-father for 33 years.  Both are in their 70's and neither one of them are going to change.  Why should they?  They are happy and that is all that matters.  I am happy too.  I have shed my resentments, they don't matter any more.  My mom loves me and I love her.  That was demonstrated this last week. It is what it is...and it ain't so bad.

And Mom....if you read this....I truly do...

Anxiety Attack...Really?

All I can say is anxiety attacks suck.  I really had thought I was over them.  But this morning one came on without warning.  My head filled up with gunk, my ears started ringing, my hands shaking and it was hard to breathe.  I knew exactly what it was and all I could think of was "Why?" 

Ok so I was going to a party today.  Lots of unknown people.  Small talk.  My son was going with me and I was worried if he was going to have a good time.  I really don't do well in large groups.  I feel lost.  I get inside my head and stay there. 

I did the next right thing.  I talked to a friend how I was feeling.  Asked her to just be there with me while I told her what was happening.  Just breathe with me.  It helps.  I cried.  Released emotion.  I breathed.  I calmed down. I laid down and meditated til it was time to go.  I did what I had to do get through it.  Pretty soon I was strong enough to go.

Smile, nod, breathe and laugh at the little kids.  Good food, cold weather, brisk wind with the sun peeking every once in awhile.  Watching son interact with others, recognizing that he is as uncomfortable as I am but like me willing to take a risk and get out there.  Hoping it will get better as time goes on. 

Now I am home, safe but exhausted.  The tension and anxiety is slowly seeping out. My emotions are still unstable..so don't look at me wrong. ( lol)  It was a good day because I had human contact, it was a hard day because I had human contact.  Hopefully the emotional hangover will subside quickly.

Meditation Brings Realizations

Early Sunday mornings I participate in a group meditation online.  It gets me out of bed and provides me with the energy I need to go through the week.  I literally vibrate with the energy on Sundays. Meditating in a group is so much better than doing it solo.  I realize I am by myself but I feel connected to the group when online.  Of course in person group meditation for me is by far the best.  I can go months on that energy. 

This morning the energy centered on my groin area.  And it stayed there.  It didn't move up and out.  I felt an overwhelming wave of emotion.  One that brought tears to my eyes. The same experience happened during both meditations. My first thought was amusement.  It has been awhile.  But that quickly turned to sadness. And a realization of just how lonely I am, how scared I am to start a new relationship.  How self concious I am of my body.  Even when I was skinny I was not comfortable about my body.  Now I carry extra weight (quit smoking yippee!) and my self image is still horrible. 

I was really close to crying when the meditation ended.  This is an issue I know I have to deal with, but I really don't have a clue how.  I signed up to an online dating service, but have yet to contact anyone or even pay for it.  I keep wavering.  I am not sure I want to do this.  I am nervous about my safety.  And I have a hard time believing anyone would want to go out with me.  I am also stuck on the idea that relationships are all about sex.  Mostly because my ex was all about sex and not in a good way. 

I want normal and healthy.  I don't have any experience with that, so I guess the only way to find out about normal and healthy is to get out of my comfort zone and try.  Just thinking about it gives me a wave of anxiety.  Sigh...I need to meditate some more....