My Buttons Got Pushed

Boy did they ever.  It is amazing that after all this time my ex still can cause me to react to him.  It has been awhile since I have had such an overwhelming reaction to what he was trying to do.  I totally went off.  On him, on the kids and in my head. For the past 2 days I have done nothing but react to what he is doing.  I have been in a rage.  My head has been pounding with it and my body vibrating. 

When will I learn that the alcoholic mind is not rational?  Why do I expect him to treat me the why I want to be treated?  Why am I always the nice guy?  Caving in to what He wants and then feeling outraged when he doesn't return the favor.  Caving in is not really the right terminology.  When he makes a request, I try to evaluate it as to how important it is to me.  If I say no who am I hurting?  Him or the kids?  If I say yes, can I handle the inconvenience to me?

This weekend's dust up was about me not reading the divorce decree properly and being wrong about the visitation schedule.  Yes, I admit I was wrong in what I was saying.  But what made me see red was that he was yelling at me while he was on the phone with his daughter.  She had made a simple request to be dropped off at a friends instead of being dropped off back at my house.  I had already given my approval and she was seeking his.  Instead he started reading her the riot act about that if I wanted her and her brother back today I was going to have to pick them up myself and he was not going to drop them off.  This is contrary to what has been done in the past.  When I pointed this out via e-mail he starts waving the divorce decree at me.

 So I sat down and re-read the dang thing myself.  And I found several items in it that he had not been in compliance with.  So of course that got this red head going.  I could feel the gaskets going off in my head this morning.  I was enraged with what I had let him get away with, all because I was not paying attention.  I am also mad that I Have to pay attention to this stuff.  To call him on it.  Otherwise things that are his to do won't get done.  I thought I had resigned this position.  And yes I know, I shouldn't be enabling him by reminding him what he needs to do.  But, by his inaction he could be putting the kids at risk. And besides, he owes me money  lol.  Although truthfully, if he would do all the other stuff, I would forgive the money. But I am not going to tell Him that. At least not right now.  It is a chip I plan on keeping in my pocket.

Even though I was mad as all get out, I had enough sense to sit down and write out what I wanted to say to him in an email.  I knew the phone would get me no where.  Too much emotion.  He is too good at pushing the buttons.  I wrote and thought and stewed about this email for about 5 hrs.  I knew that the only way of getting all this out of me was to write it down.  I am no longer a doormat.  I claim the things that are mine.    Do what you are supposed to do and I will do the same. 

And again, I stopped.  I just knew that if I sent out this email it would cause me grief.  Emotion was clouding my judgement.  So I placed a call to a friend who I knew was not emotionally involved in this and would give me an honest assessment of my email.  And she did.  She advised me to write the email as if it were a document that could be admitted into a court case.  Showed me where I was being defensive and said to just present the facts.

And again, I stopped.  I re-read the email.  I fine-tuned it.  I sat on it until I was calm. I also waited until the kids got back to my house before I sent it.  I wanted to make sure that they would not bear the brunt of any comments by him.  My actions paid off.  I waited a full 24 hours before I presented my email to him and he addressed most of my concerns.  He said he would provide the asked for information, disagreed with a couple of things, asked for some information himself and did so in a manner that did not get my rage going again. I was even able to overlook a couple of small sarcastic comments.  I noted them but have made up my mind that I have wasted enough energy on this.

Relying on the things I have learned helped me out today.  It ticks me off that I still can have such extreme reactions to his button pushing. But I did what I needed to do to take care of me and find my serenity again.  I talked to a friend, I wrote and got the bad stuff out of me and I did some things today that I enjoy doing.  I will be going to bed tonight exhausted but calm.  It would have been nice to spend the day doing other things but I got my eyes opened to some things I needed to take care of and I am on my way to do just that.

Gardening requires Patience

OOO the "P" word.  Patience.  I really do not like this word.  Although during the past 3 1/2 years, I have had a close relationship with this word.  I has seemed that everytime I have wanted something, I have had to wait...be patient.  It wasn't the right time yet.  sigh... But everything has worked out.  Maybe not exactly the way I wanted it to.  The divorce took much longer than I thought it would, I had to pay more money to my ex than I thought I would, I don't have my kids as much as I think I should...etc..etc...

Everything happened this way for a reason.  I wasn't ready to be on my own right away (didn't have a job), I had to split my stock account with my ex (this happened at a low point in the market) and now I have more than made up for it, I have my kids only 50% of the time (God must have known they were teenagers).  etc..etc..

And now I am growing plants. Some I bought already blooming in pots.  Can you say instant gratification?  lol  Others I bought as small tiny plants waiting to be nurtured and some of my plants started out as seeds.  A couple of months have passed and I am seeing some progress.  I have eaten a couple of strawberries, I noticed my tomato plants have grown 2 inches and my lavender now has 2 buds that are barely blooming.  Things are happening slowly. Not all my pots have made progress.  The catnip is being stubborn.  But growth is slow.  Requiring me to have patience and to do the things I need to do to keep them all growing.  Watering, feeding, sunlight and yes sometimes talking to them. 

And it's funny, these are some of the things I need to do for myself so I can keep growing and learning.

Sick day

I will have been divorced for 2 years this coming July and I still find myself explaining my decision making process to my Ex.  Both kids ended up sick this morning.  I made sure everything was ok and told them I would be home early for lunch and for them to go back to sleep.  I then waited until a decent hour and emailed my Ex letting him know that both kids were ill and would not be going to scouts tonight.  His only question was “Are the children home alone?”  My kids are 12 & 15 and were not sick enough to warrant me staying home with them.  Besides I work 8 minutes from my house.  But I immediately felt the urge to explain my actions to him.  To justify what I was doing.  To let him know I am not a bad mother for not staying with them.  I emailed him back letting him know that I was getting my desk in order so I could get home to be with them.  I really did not like doing that.  But I felt it necessary to ward off any accusations or any attempts by him to get the kids to come with him.  I even warned my daughter to not let him in the house if he came knocking. 

Even though I have managed to arrange things so that my contact with my Ex is limited, I am still uneasy around him.  We share custody of our two kids so some contact is inevitable.  I can’t wait for the day that my first thought in dealing with him isn’t “oh gawd what a jerk”.  Or sitting in a kid function and not having my skin crawl.  I know I will get there one of these days.  It will take time though.