Early Sunday mornings I participate in a group meditation online. It gets me out of bed and provides me with the energy I need to go through the week. I literally vibrate with the energy on Sundays. Meditating in a group is so much better than doing it solo. I realize I am by myself but I feel connected to the group when online. Of course in person group meditation for me is by far the best. I can go months on that energy.
This morning the energy centered on my groin area. And it stayed there. It didn't move up and out. I felt an overwhelming wave of emotion. One that brought tears to my eyes. The same experience happened during both meditations. My first thought was amusement. It has been awhile. But that quickly turned to sadness. And a realization of just how lonely I am, how scared I am to start a new relationship. How self concious I am of my body. Even when I was skinny I was not comfortable about my body. Now I carry extra weight (quit smoking yippee!) and my self image is still horrible.
I was really close to crying when the meditation ended. This is an issue I know I have to deal with, but I really don't have a clue how. I signed up to an online dating service, but have yet to contact anyone or even pay for it. I keep wavering. I am not sure I want to do this. I am nervous about my safety. And I have a hard time believing anyone would want to go out with me. I am also stuck on the idea that relationships are all about sex. Mostly because my ex was all about sex and not in a good way.
I want normal and healthy. I don't have any experience with that, so I guess the only way to find out about normal and healthy is to get out of my comfort zone and try. Just thinking about it gives me a wave of anxiety. Sigh...I need to meditate some more....
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