I have been on a diet for 3 weeks now and have lost 4 pounds. I guess the slow but sure way is going to work for me. I have been counting calories. Trying to keep myself around the 1200-1300 range with exercising by walking 3 times a week. I have to admit I am hungry a lot of the time. But this diet has me really looking at everything I put in my mouth and it has me trying to decide if I really want it or not. Sometimes when I am getting close to my max calories for the day I go out and walk a bit so I can have a piece of chocolate. I am making myself work for the good stuff.
Now I am not sure this is the right way to go about it but so far so good. I think the main thing I need to do is keep a positive attitude and keep moving. A friend of mine has "bounce the leg" syndrome. I laughed at her and said I used to have that too but I trained myself out of it. She reminded me that she was Moving and it was burning calories. So slowly and probably to my friends' dismay...my "bounce the leg" syndrome is coming back.
It took me 3+ years to put all this weight on and I have a feeling its going to take some time to get it off. But I am going to try my hardest. Once I set my mind to something, I usually can follow through. Cheers and pats on the back will be accepted from my loved ones as I go down yet another path in the transformation of Barb.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
DIET Should Be Filtered-It's a 4 Letter Word
I have had enough! I stepped on the scale a couple of weeks ago and got a shock. I have never weighed this much in my life. I quit smoking 3 yrs and 7 mo ago and since then my weight has steadily gone up. But enough is enough. The first year my doctor said don't worry about it, she wanted me to concentrate on staying off the smokes. We would deal with the weight gain Later. Well later is here. I am miserable enough to make a change. Finally... Enough with the bitching and the depression every time I have to buy a size larger. Enough with averting my eyes when I step out of the shower. It is time to do something.
My problem is that I know nothing of dieting. I was always very skinny. I found some old pictures and at times I appeared skeletal. When I was younger I had jobs that revolved around food and quite frankly food did not interest me. Work in a hotel kitchen for a while and you will see what I mean. During the twenty years of my marriage, I was encouraged to look a certain way. To me dieting was just skipping a few meals and that was that.
Once I quit smoking, I got my sense of taste and smell back. I remember sitting in the family room and realizing I could smell the coffee in the new can being opened all the way in the kitchen. It was very enlightening. All of these new smells and tastes and I found that I like the taste of food. It is good!
But too much of a good thing leads to where I am now. Overweight and hating it. So now I am doing something about it. I hate, absolutely hate exercising. I have bought several memberships over the years and paid to not go. I know that is not the answer now. Fortunately a couple of friends of mine are into walking right now and we have managed to meet at the track to walk/jog it. We have been doing it for 2 weeks now and have managed to get up to 2 miles. It takes us about 40 minutes to walk 2 miles. So far it is not too bad because we manage to talk and laugh and sweat our way through it together. The key word here is together. At this point I need the companionship while I walk because I don't think I can do this by myself. One of my friends who is an experienced runner said that after awhile I will be able to do it solo and will come to crave the solitude. I am pretty skeptical of that but I am still a newbie with all this.
Another thing I am trying is counting calories. I found an online site, myfitnesspal.com, that I can input all the food I eat and it will calculate the calories and nutritional data. They even offer an app on my smart phone that I can use to barcode scan in food products. It makes it so easy to add items to my food diary. I am using my favorite friend google to try to motivate me to continue this. I found an article from the Mayo clinic about the health benefits of walking and was sharing it with a friend and she just started laughing. I asked her what she was laughing about and she just shook her head and said I was being Me again. Analyzing and researching....I laughed and commented that I Had to make this process fun and interesting or else I would fail at it.
I have found several things that are frustrating me. One-this process is so dang slow. I am a fan of instant gratification and I want to see results NOW. LOL. I mean geez I just walked two miles and I still have this belly lol. Two-I can't believe how hard it is to find things that are good for you. Everything is either low fat and tons of sugar or low sugar and tons of fat. One cup of orange juice has almost 95% of the sugar I am allowed to have. I can't believe how much sugar fruit has...and it is supposed to be healthy! Three-the grocery is no help at all in trying to figure out what foods are good for you or are healthy. It is so confusing and it takes forever to read all the labels. I am finding it impossible to find a diet that encompasses low calories, low fat and cholesterol, high fiber, high protein and low sugar and get all the vitamins and minerals I am supposed to have. I am beginning to think the only way to go is pop vitamins and drink water...forget the food... Oh well, I just keep exploring and experimenting and trying to keep a good attitude about this whole process.
My problem is that I know nothing of dieting. I was always very skinny. I found some old pictures and at times I appeared skeletal. When I was younger I had jobs that revolved around food and quite frankly food did not interest me. Work in a hotel kitchen for a while and you will see what I mean. During the twenty years of my marriage, I was encouraged to look a certain way. To me dieting was just skipping a few meals and that was that.
Once I quit smoking, I got my sense of taste and smell back. I remember sitting in the family room and realizing I could smell the coffee in the new can being opened all the way in the kitchen. It was very enlightening. All of these new smells and tastes and I found that I like the taste of food. It is good!
But too much of a good thing leads to where I am now. Overweight and hating it. So now I am doing something about it. I hate, absolutely hate exercising. I have bought several memberships over the years and paid to not go. I know that is not the answer now. Fortunately a couple of friends of mine are into walking right now and we have managed to meet at the track to walk/jog it. We have been doing it for 2 weeks now and have managed to get up to 2 miles. It takes us about 40 minutes to walk 2 miles. So far it is not too bad because we manage to talk and laugh and sweat our way through it together. The key word here is together. At this point I need the companionship while I walk because I don't think I can do this by myself. One of my friends who is an experienced runner said that after awhile I will be able to do it solo and will come to crave the solitude. I am pretty skeptical of that but I am still a newbie with all this.
Another thing I am trying is counting calories. I found an online site, myfitnesspal.com, that I can input all the food I eat and it will calculate the calories and nutritional data. They even offer an app on my smart phone that I can use to barcode scan in food products. It makes it so easy to add items to my food diary. I am using my favorite friend google to try to motivate me to continue this. I found an article from the Mayo clinic about the health benefits of walking and was sharing it with a friend and she just started laughing. I asked her what she was laughing about and she just shook her head and said I was being Me again. Analyzing and researching....I laughed and commented that I Had to make this process fun and interesting or else I would fail at it.
I have found several things that are frustrating me. One-this process is so dang slow. I am a fan of instant gratification and I want to see results NOW. LOL. I mean geez I just walked two miles and I still have this belly lol. Two-I can't believe how hard it is to find things that are good for you. Everything is either low fat and tons of sugar or low sugar and tons of fat. One cup of orange juice has almost 95% of the sugar I am allowed to have. I can't believe how much sugar fruit has...and it is supposed to be healthy! Three-the grocery is no help at all in trying to figure out what foods are good for you or are healthy. It is so confusing and it takes forever to read all the labels. I am finding it impossible to find a diet that encompasses low calories, low fat and cholesterol, high fiber, high protein and low sugar and get all the vitamins and minerals I am supposed to have. I am beginning to think the only way to go is pop vitamins and drink water...forget the food... Oh well, I just keep exploring and experimenting and trying to keep a good attitude about this whole process.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Times Have Changed
I have been driving all over Mississippi lately. My daughter has two summer camp sessions this month. Back to Back. She is having a blast being with kids her age and doing the stuff girls like to do. Especially with no big brother or parents around. I am truly happy for her. I want her to enjoy her summers while she can. To do new things.
On one of my trips back home from dumping her off, I realized what I was doing. I was driving all over Ms. Three and a half years ago I was having a panic attack about driving her downtown. Now I am printing driving directions and relying on signs to tell me that I am on the right path. WOW...times sure have changed. I have learned to fear less. Oh I still get nervous about stuff. Like leaving my daughter at band camp with a bunch of high school and college kids. She has since assured me she is having a wonderful time and is in the advanced flute class which she is thrilled about. I still get angry, stressed, upset, depressed about all sorts of things. But what has changed is how I handle these situations. I know that I have friends who have been through what I am going through and will support me no matter what. But it is up to me to reach out for that support. And I do that.
Conquering fears has lead to a freedom to discover new things about myself. Some I like, others not so much. I like that I can do what ever I want. I can take trips, walk out of the house without having to justify why and where I am going. spend my money the way I want to, work hard and laugh hard. I sure hope it doesn't take my daughter 50 years to figure this out. I am sure I missed out on a lot of life but I am sure enjoying myself now. Most days anyway. Some days I wish work didn't interfere so much with my personal life but hey I have to pay for that some how.... LOL.
On one of my trips back home from dumping her off, I realized what I was doing. I was driving all over Ms. Three and a half years ago I was having a panic attack about driving her downtown. Now I am printing driving directions and relying on signs to tell me that I am on the right path. WOW...times sure have changed. I have learned to fear less. Oh I still get nervous about stuff. Like leaving my daughter at band camp with a bunch of high school and college kids. She has since assured me she is having a wonderful time and is in the advanced flute class which she is thrilled about. I still get angry, stressed, upset, depressed about all sorts of things. But what has changed is how I handle these situations. I know that I have friends who have been through what I am going through and will support me no matter what. But it is up to me to reach out for that support. And I do that.
Conquering fears has lead to a freedom to discover new things about myself. Some I like, others not so much. I like that I can do what ever I want. I can take trips, walk out of the house without having to justify why and where I am going. spend my money the way I want to, work hard and laugh hard. I sure hope it doesn't take my daughter 50 years to figure this out. I am sure I missed out on a lot of life but I am sure enjoying myself now. Most days anyway. Some days I wish work didn't interfere so much with my personal life but hey I have to pay for that some how.... LOL.
Monday, May 30, 2011
My Buttons Got Pushed
Boy did they ever. It is amazing that after all this time my ex still can cause me to react to him. It has been awhile since I have had such an overwhelming reaction to what he was trying to do. I totally went off. On him, on the kids and in my head. For the past 2 days I have done nothing but react to what he is doing. I have been in a rage. My head has been pounding with it and my body vibrating.
When will I learn that the alcoholic mind is not rational? Why do I expect him to treat me the why I want to be treated? Why am I always the nice guy? Caving in to what He wants and then feeling outraged when he doesn't return the favor. Caving in is not really the right terminology. When he makes a request, I try to evaluate it as to how important it is to me. If I say no who am I hurting? Him or the kids? If I say yes, can I handle the inconvenience to me?
This weekend's dust up was about me not reading the divorce decree properly and being wrong about the visitation schedule. Yes, I admit I was wrong in what I was saying. But what made me see red was that he was yelling at me while he was on the phone with his daughter. She had made a simple request to be dropped off at a friends instead of being dropped off back at my house. I had already given my approval and she was seeking his. Instead he started reading her the riot act about that if I wanted her and her brother back today I was going to have to pick them up myself and he was not going to drop them off. This is contrary to what has been done in the past. When I pointed this out via e-mail he starts waving the divorce decree at me.
So I sat down and re-read the dang thing myself. And I found several items in it that he had not been in compliance with. So of course that got this red head going. I could feel the gaskets going off in my head this morning. I was enraged with what I had let him get away with, all because I was not paying attention. I am also mad that I Have to pay attention to this stuff. To call him on it. Otherwise things that are his to do won't get done. I thought I had resigned this position. And yes I know, I shouldn't be enabling him by reminding him what he needs to do. But, by his inaction he could be putting the kids at risk. And besides, he owes me money lol. Although truthfully, if he would do all the other stuff, I would forgive the money. But I am not going to tell Him that. At least not right now. It is a chip I plan on keeping in my pocket.
Even though I was mad as all get out, I had enough sense to sit down and write out what I wanted to say to him in an email. I knew the phone would get me no where. Too much emotion. He is too good at pushing the buttons. I wrote and thought and stewed about this email for about 5 hrs. I knew that the only way of getting all this out of me was to write it down. I am no longer a doormat. I claim the things that are mine. Do what you are supposed to do and I will do the same.
And again, I stopped. I just knew that if I sent out this email it would cause me grief. Emotion was clouding my judgement. So I placed a call to a friend who I knew was not emotionally involved in this and would give me an honest assessment of my email. And she did. She advised me to write the email as if it were a document that could be admitted into a court case. Showed me where I was being defensive and said to just present the facts.
And again, I stopped. I re-read the email. I fine-tuned it. I sat on it until I was calm. I also waited until the kids got back to my house before I sent it. I wanted to make sure that they would not bear the brunt of any comments by him. My actions paid off. I waited a full 24 hours before I presented my email to him and he addressed most of my concerns. He said he would provide the asked for information, disagreed with a couple of things, asked for some information himself and did so in a manner that did not get my rage going again. I was even able to overlook a couple of small sarcastic comments. I noted them but have made up my mind that I have wasted enough energy on this.
Relying on the things I have learned helped me out today. It ticks me off that I still can have such extreme reactions to his button pushing. But I did what I needed to do to take care of me and find my serenity again. I talked to a friend, I wrote and got the bad stuff out of me and I did some things today that I enjoy doing. I will be going to bed tonight exhausted but calm. It would have been nice to spend the day doing other things but I got my eyes opened to some things I needed to take care of and I am on my way to do just that.
When will I learn that the alcoholic mind is not rational? Why do I expect him to treat me the why I want to be treated? Why am I always the nice guy? Caving in to what He wants and then feeling outraged when he doesn't return the favor. Caving in is not really the right terminology. When he makes a request, I try to evaluate it as to how important it is to me. If I say no who am I hurting? Him or the kids? If I say yes, can I handle the inconvenience to me?
This weekend's dust up was about me not reading the divorce decree properly and being wrong about the visitation schedule. Yes, I admit I was wrong in what I was saying. But what made me see red was that he was yelling at me while he was on the phone with his daughter. She had made a simple request to be dropped off at a friends instead of being dropped off back at my house. I had already given my approval and she was seeking his. Instead he started reading her the riot act about that if I wanted her and her brother back today I was going to have to pick them up myself and he was not going to drop them off. This is contrary to what has been done in the past. When I pointed this out via e-mail he starts waving the divorce decree at me.
So I sat down and re-read the dang thing myself. And I found several items in it that he had not been in compliance with. So of course that got this red head going. I could feel the gaskets going off in my head this morning. I was enraged with what I had let him get away with, all because I was not paying attention. I am also mad that I Have to pay attention to this stuff. To call him on it. Otherwise things that are his to do won't get done. I thought I had resigned this position. And yes I know, I shouldn't be enabling him by reminding him what he needs to do. But, by his inaction he could be putting the kids at risk. And besides, he owes me money lol. Although truthfully, if he would do all the other stuff, I would forgive the money. But I am not going to tell Him that. At least not right now. It is a chip I plan on keeping in my pocket.
Even though I was mad as all get out, I had enough sense to sit down and write out what I wanted to say to him in an email. I knew the phone would get me no where. Too much emotion. He is too good at pushing the buttons. I wrote and thought and stewed about this email for about 5 hrs. I knew that the only way of getting all this out of me was to write it down. I am no longer a doormat. I claim the things that are mine. Do what you are supposed to do and I will do the same.
And again, I stopped. I just knew that if I sent out this email it would cause me grief. Emotion was clouding my judgement. So I placed a call to a friend who I knew was not emotionally involved in this and would give me an honest assessment of my email. And she did. She advised me to write the email as if it were a document that could be admitted into a court case. Showed me where I was being defensive and said to just present the facts.
And again, I stopped. I re-read the email. I fine-tuned it. I sat on it until I was calm. I also waited until the kids got back to my house before I sent it. I wanted to make sure that they would not bear the brunt of any comments by him. My actions paid off. I waited a full 24 hours before I presented my email to him and he addressed most of my concerns. He said he would provide the asked for information, disagreed with a couple of things, asked for some information himself and did so in a manner that did not get my rage going again. I was even able to overlook a couple of small sarcastic comments. I noted them but have made up my mind that I have wasted enough energy on this.
Relying on the things I have learned helped me out today. It ticks me off that I still can have such extreme reactions to his button pushing. But I did what I needed to do to take care of me and find my serenity again. I talked to a friend, I wrote and got the bad stuff out of me and I did some things today that I enjoy doing. I will be going to bed tonight exhausted but calm. It would have been nice to spend the day doing other things but I got my eyes opened to some things I needed to take care of and I am on my way to do just that.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Serenity NOW....
Yes, I want it NOW and I want it ALL the time. That peaceful feeling that all is right with me and my world. I have moments of serenity. I have weeks and sometimes even a month where all is good. But inevitably it comes crashing down. Doubts, stress, anxiety and depression. Life... Fortunately these days I have more good than bad. I can take joy in the small things. Like watching the birds discover my feeders. Laughing at the cats as they rampage through the house. Take pride in the fact that I went to the fair by myself. I didn't enjoy it as much this year but I got out of the house and went anyway. I am glad I am Awake. Life is much more interesting these days. I pay attention more to the things and the people around me. I am a better employee. A better mother? Not so sure about that..still having guilt that I am not there all the time for my kids and that I enjoy(a lot of the time) my time away from them. My dreams are more vivid and my meditations are filled with more energy. But there are those times that I feel me collapsing and isolating. This is when I heal, question, lean on, grow.... Not fun but necessary. Forging ahead..it's what I do best.
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