Boy did they ever. It is amazing that after all this time my ex still can cause me to react to him. It has been awhile since I have had such an overwhelming reaction to what he was trying to do. I totally went off. On him, on the kids and in my head. For the past 2 days I have done nothing but react to what he is doing. I have been in a rage. My head has been pounding with it and my body vibrating.
When will I learn that the alcoholic mind is not rational? Why do I expect him to treat me the why I want to be treated? Why am I always the nice guy? Caving in to what He wants and then feeling outraged when he doesn't return the favor. Caving in is not really the right terminology. When he makes a request, I try to evaluate it as to how important it is to me. If I say no who am I hurting? Him or the kids? If I say yes, can I handle the inconvenience to me?
This weekend's dust up was about me not reading the divorce decree properly and being wrong about the visitation schedule. Yes, I admit I was wrong in what I was saying. But what made me see red was that he was yelling at me while he was on the phone with his daughter. She had made a simple request to be dropped off at a friends instead of being dropped off back at my house. I had already given my approval and she was seeking his. Instead he started reading her the riot act about that if I wanted her and her brother back today I was going to have to pick them up myself and he was not going to drop them off. This is contrary to what has been done in the past. When I pointed this out via e-mail he starts waving the divorce decree at me.
So I sat down and re-read the dang thing myself. And I found several items in it that he had not been in compliance with. So of course that got this red head going. I could feel the gaskets going off in my head this morning. I was enraged with what I had let him get away with, all because I was not paying attention. I am also mad that I Have to pay attention to this stuff. To call him on it. Otherwise things that are his to do won't get done. I thought I had resigned this position. And yes I know, I shouldn't be enabling him by reminding him what he needs to do. But, by his inaction he could be putting the kids at risk. And besides, he owes me money lol. Although truthfully, if he would do all the other stuff, I would forgive the money. But I am not going to tell Him that. At least not right now. It is a chip I plan on keeping in my pocket.
Even though I was mad as all get out, I had enough sense to sit down and write out what I wanted to say to him in an email. I knew the phone would get me no where. Too much emotion. He is too good at pushing the buttons. I wrote and thought and stewed about this email for about 5 hrs. I knew that the only way of getting all this out of me was to write it down. I am no longer a doormat. I claim the things that are mine. Do what you are supposed to do and I will do the same.
And again, I stopped. I just knew that if I sent out this email it would cause me grief. Emotion was clouding my judgement. So I placed a call to a friend who I knew was not emotionally involved in this and would give me an honest assessment of my email. And she did. She advised me to write the email as if it were a document that could be admitted into a court case. Showed me where I was being defensive and said to just present the facts.
And again, I stopped. I re-read the email. I fine-tuned it. I sat on it until I was calm. I also waited until the kids got back to my house before I sent it. I wanted to make sure that they would not bear the brunt of any comments by him. My actions paid off. I waited a full 24 hours before I presented my email to him and he addressed most of my concerns. He said he would provide the asked for information, disagreed with a couple of things, asked for some information himself and did so in a manner that did not get my rage going again. I was even able to overlook a couple of small sarcastic comments. I noted them but have made up my mind that I have wasted enough energy on this.
Relying on the things I have learned helped me out today. It ticks me off that I still can have such extreme reactions to his button pushing. But I did what I needed to do to take care of me and find my serenity again. I talked to a friend, I wrote and got the bad stuff out of me and I did some things today that I enjoy doing. I will be going to bed tonight exhausted but calm. It would have been nice to spend the day doing other things but I got my eyes opened to some things I needed to take care of and I am on my way to do just that.
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