My Buttons Got Pushed

Boy did they ever.  It is amazing that after all this time my ex still can cause me to react to him.  It has been awhile since I have had such an overwhelming reaction to what he was trying to do.  I totally went off.  On him, on the kids and in my head. For the past 2 days I have done nothing but react to what he is doing.  I have been in a rage.  My head has been pounding with it and my body vibrating. 

When will I learn that the alcoholic mind is not rational?  Why do I expect him to treat me the why I want to be treated?  Why am I always the nice guy?  Caving in to what He wants and then feeling outraged when he doesn't return the favor.  Caving in is not really the right terminology.  When he makes a request, I try to evaluate it as to how important it is to me.  If I say no who am I hurting?  Him or the kids?  If I say yes, can I handle the inconvenience to me?

This weekend's dust up was about me not reading the divorce decree properly and being wrong about the visitation schedule.  Yes, I admit I was wrong in what I was saying.  But what made me see red was that he was yelling at me while he was on the phone with his daughter.  She had made a simple request to be dropped off at a friends instead of being dropped off back at my house.  I had already given my approval and she was seeking his.  Instead he started reading her the riot act about that if I wanted her and her brother back today I was going to have to pick them up myself and he was not going to drop them off.  This is contrary to what has been done in the past.  When I pointed this out via e-mail he starts waving the divorce decree at me.

 So I sat down and re-read the dang thing myself.  And I found several items in it that he had not been in compliance with.  So of course that got this red head going.  I could feel the gaskets going off in my head this morning.  I was enraged with what I had let him get away with, all because I was not paying attention.  I am also mad that I Have to pay attention to this stuff.  To call him on it.  Otherwise things that are his to do won't get done.  I thought I had resigned this position.  And yes I know, I shouldn't be enabling him by reminding him what he needs to do.  But, by his inaction he could be putting the kids at risk. And besides, he owes me money  lol.  Although truthfully, if he would do all the other stuff, I would forgive the money. But I am not going to tell Him that. At least not right now.  It is a chip I plan on keeping in my pocket.

Even though I was mad as all get out, I had enough sense to sit down and write out what I wanted to say to him in an email.  I knew the phone would get me no where.  Too much emotion.  He is too good at pushing the buttons.  I wrote and thought and stewed about this email for about 5 hrs.  I knew that the only way of getting all this out of me was to write it down.  I am no longer a doormat.  I claim the things that are mine.    Do what you are supposed to do and I will do the same. 

And again, I stopped.  I just knew that if I sent out this email it would cause me grief.  Emotion was clouding my judgement.  So I placed a call to a friend who I knew was not emotionally involved in this and would give me an honest assessment of my email.  And she did.  She advised me to write the email as if it were a document that could be admitted into a court case.  Showed me where I was being defensive and said to just present the facts.

And again, I stopped.  I re-read the email.  I fine-tuned it.  I sat on it until I was calm. I also waited until the kids got back to my house before I sent it.  I wanted to make sure that they would not bear the brunt of any comments by him.  My actions paid off.  I waited a full 24 hours before I presented my email to him and he addressed most of my concerns.  He said he would provide the asked for information, disagreed with a couple of things, asked for some information himself and did so in a manner that did not get my rage going again. I was even able to overlook a couple of small sarcastic comments.  I noted them but have made up my mind that I have wasted enough energy on this.

Relying on the things I have learned helped me out today.  It ticks me off that I still can have such extreme reactions to his button pushing. But I did what I needed to do to take care of me and find my serenity again.  I talked to a friend, I wrote and got the bad stuff out of me and I did some things today that I enjoy doing.  I will be going to bed tonight exhausted but calm.  It would have been nice to spend the day doing other things but I got my eyes opened to some things I needed to take care of and I am on my way to do just that.

Serenity NOW....

  Yes, I want it NOW and I want it ALL the time. That peaceful feeling that all is right with me and my world.  I have moments of serenity.  I have weeks and sometimes even a month where all is good.  But inevitably it comes crashing down.  Doubts, stress, anxiety and depression.  Life...  Fortunately these days I have more good than bad.  I can take joy in the small things.  Like watching the birds discover my feeders.  Laughing at the cats as they rampage through the house.  Take pride in the fact that I went to the fair by myself.  I didn't enjoy it as much this year but I got out of the house and went anyway.  I am glad I am Awake.  Life is much more interesting these days.  I pay attention more to the things and the people around me. I am a better employee. A better mother? Not so sure about that..still having guilt that I am not there all the time for my kids and that I enjoy(a lot of the time) my time away from them. My dreams are more vivid and my meditations are filled with more energy.  But there are those times that I feel me collapsing and isolating.  This is when I heal, question, lean on, grow....  Not fun but necessary.  Forging ahead..it's what I do best.

Gardening requires Patience

OOO the "P" word.  Patience.  I really do not like this word.  Although during the past 3 1/2 years, I have had a close relationship with this word.  I has seemed that everytime I have wanted something, I have had to wait...be patient.  It wasn't the right time yet.  sigh... But everything has worked out.  Maybe not exactly the way I wanted it to.  The divorce took much longer than I thought it would, I had to pay more money to my ex than I thought I would, I don't have my kids as much as I think I should...etc..etc...

Everything happened this way for a reason.  I wasn't ready to be on my own right away (didn't have a job), I had to split my stock account with my ex (this happened at a low point in the market) and now I have more than made up for it, I have my kids only 50% of the time (God must have known they were teenagers).  etc..etc..

And now I am growing plants. Some I bought already blooming in pots.  Can you say instant gratification?  lol  Others I bought as small tiny plants waiting to be nurtured and some of my plants started out as seeds.  A couple of months have passed and I am seeing some progress.  I have eaten a couple of strawberries, I noticed my tomato plants have grown 2 inches and my lavender now has 2 buds that are barely blooming.  Things are happening slowly. Not all my pots have made progress.  The catnip is being stubborn.  But growth is slow.  Requiring me to have patience and to do the things I need to do to keep them all growing.  Watering, feeding, sunlight and yes sometimes talking to them. 

And it's funny, these are some of the things I need to do for myself so I can keep growing and learning.

I Found My Spot

I spent part of this evening sitting on my deck with a glass of wine.  The potted flowers are so pretty and they smell great.  My lavender is starting to bloom as well as the strawberries.  Even my tomato plants are getting bigger.  I let Bob the cat out with me because I wanted to see how he would do.  He started out in my lap but soon got down.  He immediately focused on the cat statue I have in the corner.  The statue is 2x the size of Bob.  Bob puffed up and inched closer and closer.  Pretty soon he realized that this cat was no threat and turned his interests to the plants on the deck.  But he stayed all fluffy for a long time-just in case.  lol  

I sat for about 45 minutes just watching the birds and listening to the the sounds of the evening.  A female hummingbird stopped by to get a drink.  She flew away so fast that I couldn't follow. I sat and waited for the male to show up but he didn't.  They are pretty birds and their flight is so elegant.  I love watching the hummer battles for the feeders during migration.  They are so protective of their territory. 

My deck is becoming my place for contemplation and serenity.  At least while the weather holds out.  When it gets too hot the A/C will be my serenity spot.  I am glad its there.  I need a spot I can escape to.

Clearing out Karma

I just finished a meditation this evening.  And I made a startling discovery.  I have actually worked through some issues. I visited my hometown last week and walked through the past.  Reliving a lot of memories.  Some good, some not so good. One thing I discovered is that I am not living back there.  I am happy here in the present.  I really have no desire to revisit or change where I came from.  It is done.  I am no longer the person that lived there.

I also think I have made peace in my relationship with my mother and thus my relationship with my stepfather.  When I was younger I watched their relationship and was under the assumption that is how marriages were conducted.  I tried my best to behave the same way as my mother did.  But it didn't work for me. The gifts I gave were taken advantage of.  I lost myself in my marriage.  It wasn't about us.  It became about him.  And in the end I realized it was wrong, I couldn't do it anymore.  Was I not as strong as my mother is?  No.  I don't need to be.  I am not her.  I am me.

Years ago my mother told me she made decisions about how she was going to live her life.  And that she realized she would have to endure the consequences of those decisions.  At the time I didn't know what she really meant.  But having gone through Al-anon and working the 12 steps, I understand now that she put herself first.  Something I now do for myself.  After all if I am not healthy, the people around me won't be either.

The hurt feelings I have felt in the past about my mother's actions and decisions are now gone.  I handled a situation last week that could have been extremely hurtful.  It did ache a little, but knowing that my mother is well loved and taken care of made it easier for me to take.  She has been married to my step-father for 33 years.  Both are in their 70's and neither one of them are going to change.  Why should they?  They are happy and that is all that matters.  I am happy too.  I have shed my resentments, they don't matter any more.  My mom loves me and I love her.  That was demonstrated this last week. It is what it is...and it ain't so bad.

And Mom....if you read this....I truly do...

A Visit Home

It has been at least 14 years since I visited my hometown in the mid-west.  I am an Iowa girl.  I spent most of my growing up days there.  But I realized that most of my life has been spent moving around the south.  Going from one town/city to another.  All due to my ex-husbands career moves. Some were good moves, others were not. And during this time kids were being born and raised and there just seemed no time to go home.

Unfortunately a death in the family is what drew me back to Iowa.  My brother-in-law died of liver cancer and the whole family converged to support my sister.  I hate that death is what drew us all back there but you know what they say about weddings and funerals... It was truly good to see everyone.  We all had a lot to talk about.  Getting to know each other again.  Learning new things about each other and realizing that some things just don't change.  And having to accept that all over again. 

My youngest sister and I ended up sharing a hotel room together. Which as it turned out was a good decision on our part.  Although it didn't start out that way.  Another lesson learned...trust your instincts, first thought is usually the right one.  Make yourself comfortable and happy before you try to do the same for someone else.  B and I spent the whole week talking and getting to know each other again.  I don't think we have ever spent so much time together all at one time.  We made great use of it.  We talked about our pasts, presents and future.  We gossiped about other family members.  Shared our joys and disappointments.  And I think we have resolved to maintain the closeness and openness we shared with each other.

B and I worked together in trying to be helpful to our sister P.  We helped out when asked, tried to anticipate needs and gave her space when she asked for it. (or at least we tried to)  As with any family there was some drama going on that didn't have anything to do with the death of my bro-in-law.  My niece is having her own problems.  She is a young mother with 2 children under the age of 3, no job, no home, no support from the children's father.  And as with any family the advice was flowing.  I did my share of offering advice - kind of regret that now. But in my opinion I felt that her problems were distracting my sister from focusing on what she needed to deal with.  But again that is not for me to say. I am allowed my opinion but it's not my business.  The fixer in me wanted to help out, but she is an adult with responsibilities and she needs to figure it out herself, otherwise she won't learn that she can help herself and her children.  I pray that she can move forward instead of becoming stagnant. And hopefully she will learn to trust other people as they share their own experiences of how they dealt with hardships in their own lives.

The three of us girls were able to spend quality time with each other and each of our parents.  I got to see the things that I loved about each of them and the things that still irritated me about each.  But I have learned in the last few years that everyone is unique and to love some one means to love their flaws too.  And in my family we have a ton of flaws..lol.


The memorial service was really nice.  My brother-in-law was well loved by his family and his friends.  Neighbors, friends and co-workers showed up to give my sister their love and support.  She was overwhelmed by it all.  My sister is a strong lady and she showed a lot of poise and grace through this trying time.  I hope that when she needs a hand she is strong enough to ask for help.  She has a lot of family and friends willing to do what they can.   

The week I spent in Iowa was spent driving all over the city looking at old neighborhoods, schools, friends houses, parks etc.  I marveled at what had changed and what had seemingly stayed the same.  The city has a character that I had forgotten.  I was asked numerous times if I wanted to move back.  The southerner in me shudders at the thought of snow and winter.  But the person who likes living in a place where everyone is friendly and OMG the city is up with the times (not how I remembered it at all) is charmed by it all.

While it is tempting to wonder what it would be like to move back "home", my home is here.  My kids are here, my friends, my job, my house and of course my kitty cats.  I am not going anywhere for awhile.  I am working on establishing a life here.  This is home for me.