I'm Done Hiding

I received a horrible phone call today from my sister.  She was crying and informed me that she was at the hospital with her husband.  He is in kidney failure.  It seems he has been battling liver cancer for awhile.  This was the first I had heard of it.  They only recently started telling people.  They didn't want to worry anyone.  Sigh...  My God... The secrets we keep so as not to worry anyone..  I know they have their reasons for keeping it close.  I respect that.  Their decision and all.

But lets stop and think about that.  Why does my family not share the bad news?  Why are we so disfunctional?  As soon as I got off the phone with my sister, I called my other sister to relay the bad news ( I had permission).  She was as shocked as I was.  We both commented that our family is great at hiding secrets.  We keep them forever. Or until it doesn't seem to matter anymore.  I still don't know if my sisters know that our grandmother gave birth to our mother when she was 14.  It was a huge secret in my family.  One my mother shared with me when I was a teen.  I never let on to my grandmother that I knew.  My mother always said that she would be horribly embarrassed if she found out that anyone knew about it.  Shakes head.  I guess it would be to that generation.  I actually thought at the time that it was neat.  Here she was a teen mother and managed to stay married and love my grandfather for 50+ years.

During our conversation my sis said that she had read this blog and realized that she did not even know me.  We were sisters and didn't know each other.  Granted we have lived in opposite corners of the U.S. for most of our lives.  But neither of us have made the effort to get to know each other except in a superficial way.  It is sad, in my opinion.  I know we love each other and care what happens to each other.  We show that when a crisis develops. We rally together and give support.  But why only then?  Why are we not part of each others lives?

When my sis made the comment that she thought I was becoming a 21st century woman by blogging, I just laughed.  I have been blogging for over 3 years now but I have never told my family.  My blogs tell the story of my journey through al-anon and my divorce.  I realized that I have kept that a secret too. I kept all the problems in my marriage, the drinking, drugs, porn and abuse a secret.  But I kept my recovery a secret too.  Shakes head...All the tools that I have used in getting better were kept from my family.  The book, blogs, workbook, counseling, al-anon, meditation-all a secret.  Would I have gotten better faster if they had known about my struggles?  I don't know and it really doesn't matter now because it is the past.  Yes the past.   I shared with my sister about all these things.  I gave her the website to my blogs and the books so she could find out for herself if she wants.

I am tired of hiding secrets.  I want a relationship with my family.  I want to be close to my sisters.  To be able to pick up the phone without thought and just shoot the breeze at any time.  Why does there have to be a reason to call?  And a horrible reason at that.  Are my expectations out of whack?  I think once my family has gotten through this current crisis I am going to TRY to be more open with them.  Let them know what is going on in my life.  And hopefully they will return the favor.

Anxiety Attack...Really?

All I can say is anxiety attacks suck.  I really had thought I was over them.  But this morning one came on without warning.  My head filled up with gunk, my ears started ringing, my hands shaking and it was hard to breathe.  I knew exactly what it was and all I could think of was "Why?" 

Ok so I was going to a party today.  Lots of unknown people.  Small talk.  My son was going with me and I was worried if he was going to have a good time.  I really don't do well in large groups.  I feel lost.  I get inside my head and stay there. 

I did the next right thing.  I talked to a friend how I was feeling.  Asked her to just be there with me while I told her what was happening.  Just breathe with me.  It helps.  I cried.  Released emotion.  I breathed.  I calmed down. I laid down and meditated til it was time to go.  I did what I had to do get through it.  Pretty soon I was strong enough to go.

Smile, nod, breathe and laugh at the little kids.  Good food, cold weather, brisk wind with the sun peeking every once in awhile.  Watching son interact with others, recognizing that he is as uncomfortable as I am but like me willing to take a risk and get out there.  Hoping it will get better as time goes on. 

Now I am home, safe but exhausted.  The tension and anxiety is slowly seeping out. My emotions are still unstable..so don't look at me wrong. ( lol)  It was a good day because I had human contact, it was a hard day because I had human contact.  Hopefully the emotional hangover will subside quickly.

BumbleBees

One of the bonuses about having a spiritual awakening is that I notice things now that I never did before.  Especially in nature.  We had a hot spring weekend and it was a lot more pleasant on my deck than in the house. Sitting there with a tall glass of ice tea, I noticed a bumblebee hovering. I have a lot of flowers on my deck and there are trees nearby that are blooming. There have been quite a few bees and butterflies hanging around lately.  But this one bumblebee was hanging around a set of 3 flower baskets that I have hanging.  Every so often he would zoom away but quickly return.  I wasn't sure at first if it was the same bee or not. After watching intently, I discovered that he had decided that these pots of flowers were his and he was standing/flying guard duty over them.  Anytime another bee,butterfly or other pollen seeking insect came close to His flowers, he escorted them away.  I did not realize that bees were so territorial. It was quite fascinating to watch.

I had seen him a few days before, really didn't think much of it.  It wasn't until I noticed him being in the same spot that I really paid attention. Now I don't know for sure if this is the same bee or not, but I sure would like to think so.  He is very attentive and seems to be good at his job.  I sure hope he sticks around for awhile.  I like to think I am doing my part in helping to get the flowers pollinated. 

These days I notice the bumblebees.  I am so much more aware of the things around me than I used to be.  I am getting great pleasure out of nature this spring. Probably because it was so long in coming. So if you see me wide eyed and looking around that is just me waking up to all that is out there.

Meditation Brings Realizations

Early Sunday mornings I participate in a group meditation online.  It gets me out of bed and provides me with the energy I need to go through the week.  I literally vibrate with the energy on Sundays. Meditating in a group is so much better than doing it solo.  I realize I am by myself but I feel connected to the group when online.  Of course in person group meditation for me is by far the best.  I can go months on that energy. 

This morning the energy centered on my groin area.  And it stayed there.  It didn't move up and out.  I felt an overwhelming wave of emotion.  One that brought tears to my eyes. The same experience happened during both meditations. My first thought was amusement.  It has been awhile.  But that quickly turned to sadness. And a realization of just how lonely I am, how scared I am to start a new relationship.  How self concious I am of my body.  Even when I was skinny I was not comfortable about my body.  Now I carry extra weight (quit smoking yippee!) and my self image is still horrible. 

I was really close to crying when the meditation ended.  This is an issue I know I have to deal with, but I really don't have a clue how.  I signed up to an online dating service, but have yet to contact anyone or even pay for it.  I keep wavering.  I am not sure I want to do this.  I am nervous about my safety.  And I have a hard time believing anyone would want to go out with me.  I am also stuck on the idea that relationships are all about sex.  Mostly because my ex was all about sex and not in a good way. 

I want normal and healthy.  I don't have any experience with that, so I guess the only way to find out about normal and healthy is to get out of my comfort zone and try.  Just thinking about it gives me a wave of anxiety.  Sigh...I need to meditate some more....

Hit by a Ton of Bricks

Wow the last couple of days has been hard.  I am feeling the emotional hangover of events out of my control.  Vivid dreams and wakefulness.  Depression and sadness.  And then the 2 earthquakes hit.  Japan and Vera Cruz, Mexico.  No reports that I have heard of injuries, thank god.  Maybe tonight's sleep will be restful. 

Lots of change taking place in my life.  I don't really like all of it, but as I said, it is out of my control.  I have suddenly become faced with filling a lot of free time.  I am not sure what I am going to do with it.  I have discovered a hobby that I am enjoying so far.  Gardening in pots on my deck.  I need to find something else.  I never realized how much I like projects.  I just finished one and I am casting about for another. 

I have this thing about keeping busy.  Always have to have something going on.  Don't get me wrong, I am not always on the move.  This last week when my daughter was ill, I spent the whole day on the couch with her watching Netflix.  I know how to do nothing.  But most of the time I want to do Something.  I want to keep my brain engaged.  I want to interact with my friends.  Although lately that seems to not be happening.  Everyone is busy with their own lives.  Face to face interaction is becoming rare.  Seems it is all electronic these days.  I'd give anything for a real hug.

Sick day

I will have been divorced for 2 years this coming July and I still find myself explaining my decision making process to my Ex.  Both kids ended up sick this morning.  I made sure everything was ok and told them I would be home early for lunch and for them to go back to sleep.  I then waited until a decent hour and emailed my Ex letting him know that both kids were ill and would not be going to scouts tonight.  His only question was “Are the children home alone?”  My kids are 12 & 15 and were not sick enough to warrant me staying home with them.  Besides I work 8 minutes from my house.  But I immediately felt the urge to explain my actions to him.  To justify what I was doing.  To let him know I am not a bad mother for not staying with them.  I emailed him back letting him know that I was getting my desk in order so I could get home to be with them.  I really did not like doing that.  But I felt it necessary to ward off any accusations or any attempts by him to get the kids to come with him.  I even warned my daughter to not let him in the house if he came knocking. 

Even though I have managed to arrange things so that my contact with my Ex is limited, I am still uneasy around him.  We share custody of our two kids so some contact is inevitable.  I can’t wait for the day that my first thought in dealing with him isn’t “oh gawd what a jerk”.  Or sitting in a kid function and not having my skin crawl.  I know I will get there one of these days.  It will take time though.

Change

4/3/11

Hi all,  my name is BarbN.  I am starting this blog on blogspot.com because where I had been blogging before decided to shut down.  I thought I was ready to have that happen.  To stop writing.  But that does not seem to be the case right now.  Change does not come easily to me.  I have said many times that when I am miserable enough, I will change things.  Either myself or my circumstances will change.  It takes a lot of prodding for me to accept change.  I am hoping that writing will continue to be an outlet for my recovery.  We shall see....  This is it for now...Talk to you soon.